AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! Sometimes you just need to let it out. I AM trying to focus on the positive. I AM trying to distract myself from the mind numbing, paralyzing anxiety and physical pain. I AM trying not to dwell on the bad news and the sadness. I am…

Steven, Captain Americat, Ear Re-Piercer.

Ladies and gentlemen, FUCK TODAY! This morning, I ruined a shirt in the wash, I will have to return two cardigans because they’re hand wash only and I have a fucking life and no time to waste hand washing clothes!  Vin got massacred at the dentist earlier and now has an acute asthma attack from…

Broken

I am broken. It’s hard to keep things inside when you’re broken. It’s the cracks, you see, they can’t hold everything in. Stuff leaks out. The pain, the fear, the rage, the doubt, the shame… it’s too much for a broken vessel to hold. So it seeps out and it makes a mess. I live…

Discipline

Know what I am really really good at? Procrastination! If there were procrastination events at the Olympics, I’d win ALL the medals! I’d just lay on the podium like a swooning cartoon character all bent backwards and looking dramatically… er… lazy. It’s hard not to be frustrated with myself these days. Then again, it’s hard…

Control

The quest for control of one’s life is a lofty goal. But when the individual in question suffers from OCD (and quite possibly Asperger’s Syndrome, or whatever the hell they call it these days), PTSD, depression and anxiety, the quest for control is pretty much like herding cats. Feral cats. Big feral cats. Big, pre-historic,…

I’m going to write a damned book!

For years now, every time I tell someone about a crazy episode of my life, they tell me I should write a book. At first I shrugged it off as nonsense. Then the idea started to take hold… but my lack of confidence and self esteem told me it was arrogant of me to think…

Piss and vinegar

Fuck stomach ulcers. Fuck my doctor being on vacation till the end of the month. Fuck Donald Trump (BUT NOT FOR REAL!!!!). Fuck winter. Fuck money. Fuck my low self-esteem. Fuck anxiety. Fuck depression. Fuck bad dreams. Fuck OCD. Just fuck. Ok? Ok. Human interactions are so complicated, sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth…

Ménage à trois… ou quatre.

I share my bed with three companions. More specifically, I share my bed with the love of my life and two companions I fucking hate! I can’t avoid it. I have no choice. The only one I can kick out of bed is the one I love. So yeah… that’s not gonna happen! So let me introduce…

Ouch.

  It would be so great if I could stop doing this to myself… I know every misstep is a lesson but… ouch! Help, I have done it again I have been here many times before Hurt myself again today And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame Be my friend, hold me…

I want sleep! No wait I want wine! No! I want… er…

I want to go to Nordstrom to smell all the good smells in the good smelling section! I want to watch TV and eat chocolate all day! I want… I… er… DAMN YOU LUCHI!!! My head is overflowing with ideas and it’s keeping me from my sleep! (no, no, stop crying! I still adore you. But…

5 Months…

So it’s been five months since I last posted something in my blog. Five months during which a lot happened. I did a lot of healing… but that means I also did a lot of hurting, crying, doubting, losing hope. But I made it! I made it and now I am ready to speak again….