Broken

I am broken. It’s hard to keep things inside when you’re broken. It’s the cracks, you see, they can’t hold everything in. Stuff leaks out. The pain, the fear, the rage, the doubt, the shame… it’s too much for a broken vessel to hold. So it seeps out and it makes a mess. I live…

Discipline

Know what I am really really good at? Procrastination! If there were procrastination events at the Olympics, I’d win ALL the medals! I’d just lay on the podium like a swooning cartoon character all bent backwards and looking dramatically… er… lazy. It’s hard not to be frustrated with myself these days. Then again, it’s hard…

Control

The quest for control of one’s life is a lofty goal. But when the individual in question suffers from OCD (and quite possibly Asperger’s Syndrome, or whatever the hell they call it these days), PTSD, depression and anxiety, the quest for control is pretty much like herding cats. Feral cats. Big feral cats. Big, pre-historic,…

I’m going to write a damned book!

For years now, every time I tell someone about a crazy episode of my life, they tell me I should write a book. At first I shrugged it off as nonsense. Then the idea started to take hold… but my lack of confidence and self esteem told me it was arrogant of me to think…

Piss and vinegar

Fuck stomach ulcers. Fuck my doctor being on vacation till the end of the month. Fuck Donald Trump (BUT NOT FOR REAL!!!!). Fuck winter. Fuck money. Fuck my low self-esteem. Fuck anxiety. Fuck depression. Fuck bad dreams. Fuck OCD. Just fuck. Ok? Ok. Human interactions are so complicated, sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth…

Ménage à trois… ou quatre.

I share my bed with three companions. More specifically, I share my bed with the love of my life and two companions I fucking hate! I can’t avoid it. I have no choice. The only one I can kick out of bed is the one I love. So yeah… that’s not gonna happen! So let me introduce…

Ouch.

  It would be so great if I could stop doing this to myself… I know every misstep is a lesson but… ouch! Help, I have done it again I have been here many times before Hurt myself again today And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame Be my friend, hold me…

I want sleep! No wait I want wine! No! I want… er…

I want to go to Nordstrom to smell all the good smells in the good smelling section! I want to watch TV and eat chocolate all day! I want… I… er… DAMN YOU LUCHI!!! My head is overflowing with ideas and it’s keeping me from my sleep! (no, no, stop crying! I still adore you. But…

5 Months…

So it’s been five months since I last posted something in my blog. Five months during which a lot happened. I did a lot of healing… but that means I also did a lot of hurting, crying, doubting, losing hope. But I made it! I made it and now I am ready to speak again….

Querido Lu,

(WARNING to other readers!: If childhood physical and sexual abuse offends or upsets you, STOP READING NOW!) I’m writing this letter to you because it’s easier than writing it to the whole world. And because it’s easier than writing it to myself. It’s funny how the mind works; but I have stopped trying to understand…

Here be dragons…

I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I am not ok. I…

Drowning

I’m drowning on dry land. Wave after wave come crashing over me and I can’t catch my breath. I don’t know what is up and what is down. I’m paralyzed. I’m going around in circles and I cannot stop. All I do is watch Grey’s Anatomy and play Elvenar. I am full on avoiding. No…