(trigger warning: child abuse)
Have you ever fallen head over heels in “I have no idea what to call this intense love that has no sexual overtone” with someone? Ever wanted to hug them and squeeze them and hold them and call them George? Have you ever wanted to stroke someone’s cheek, look deeply into their eyes and tell them you love them; then immediately froze inside and thought yourself a deviant freakasaurus because that person was neither your lover or family member? Have you ever hated that we live in a society where everything is sexualized and you have to hide your dirty dirty secret?
Are you a sick fuck who wants to have sensual contact without sexual context… because it feels good… because it feels amazing… because it soothes the soul and makes it sing with joy? Tenderness is a dirtier proposition than sex with goats; don’t you know that!
Well guess what. Apparently, we’re not alone!
Look at this graphic.
Squishes and Sensual Attraction. That’s me in a nutshell. And I repress the ever loving fuck out of it.
I go through life wanting to bounce around and hug people and tell them how beautiful they are and touch them and make them smile… make them feel good… because that makes me feel good. It makes me feel worthwhile, lovable and accepted.
That’s why I repress it. Acceptance. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of not being valued. Fear of not being loved. But worse even… Fear of rejection. Fear of ridicule. Fear of hatred or indifference.
When I love someone, I want their acceptance, their attention and their love. I realize there are no guarantees and it’s impossible for everyone I like/love to like/love me back. I get that. When my heart decides it loves, however, it doesn’t understand why love is not reciprocated. Why would anyone not want someone who loves them in their life? Why would someone reject an opportunity to have more love? Why? WHY???
The answer… does not matter. What matters is what motivates me to ask that question and makes me hide inside myself and not allow myself to be the “goofy, bouncy, cuddle bunny, baby girl” I feel like inside.
I hide inside myself, despite the fact I so desperately crave tenderness and love. I hide inside myself because I am afraid. I am afraid that if I allow myself to be who I truly feel like inside of me, that people will scream at me, shove me away, push me down, slap me, hit me with a wooden spoon and tell me what an ugly, stupid, bad little girl I am…
Forty four years after their transgression, the child abusers who broke the tiny helpless girl that I was, still have control over my life. I know it is up to me to take back that control… but it’s hard… so hard… and it hurts so damned much. I am so tired of the pain. I am so tired of the fear. I am so tired.
So very tired. I wish I could sit my you and just cuddle and quiet my mind so that my soul can rest for a while… And remember, that glimmer in my eyes, it means I wanna pet you, not fuck you!