To write about it…

…or not to write about it. That is the question.

Sex, family, friends… what is mine to tell and what is not? What convenient lies do I perpetuate? Which secrets do I keep?

I’m not asking you. I’m telling you that I’m asking myself.

This question is always there, at the back of my mind, when I think of something I want to share. I am always so afraid of hurting others. I’m even more afraid of their anger, their rejection. How can I trust people to understand that I can still love and respect them even if I voice my difficulties with them? How can I trust that they will still love me even if I say that they hurt me? I live my life feeling like I am undeserving of unconditional love. So surely if I speak openly about the pain I felt when someone did or said something… they’ll hate me. They’ll yell at me. They’ll accuse me. They’ll judge me. They’ll abandon me.20170410_195148

There’s a voice inside… the voice of the fledgling woman growing up inside me… a voice that speaks strong and clear, a voice that says: “It is MY life. No man (or woman) is an island, so MY life includes other people and it is impossible to tell the stories of MY life without including them. And I NEED to tell the stories of MY life. I will no longer hide in fear. I will speak my truth and it will heal me and help me grow.”.

If only I could listen to that voice… and stop listening to all the other voices who want to rewrite my story so they have the roles of heroes and unwavering morally superior pillars of society. Well guess what… you’re not. None of you. Not me, either. We all fuck up and hurt other people. We all have moments where we didn’t shine and we let someone down, or hurt them, sometimes even deeply so… many times without meaning to. But that doesn’t change the fact that someone was hurt. Accident or not, pain hurts! No shit!

In my life, other people made decisions that caused me to be hurt. Deep down, I believe in my right to speak my truth. To tell my story the way I lived it.

The answer is clear. The decision is made. Now to find the courage to follow through.

 

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