Know what I am really really good at? Procrastination! If there were procrastination events at the Olympics, I’d win ALL the medals! I’d just lay on the podium like a swooning cartoon character all bent backwards and looking dramatically… er… lazy.
It’s hard not to be frustrated with myself these days. Then again, it’s hard for me not to be frustrated with myself pretty much all the time. It’s that fucking little inner voice; that critical little bitch that won’t shut up. Always there to remind me of what a giant waste of space it’s brainwashed me into believing I am. It’s the voice of my aggressors; it’s not my voice. But that voice has become integrated into my personality, it permeates my opinion of myself. It’s better than it was… and by that I mean that now instead of not being able to assert my qualities, I can say “I am a good writer!”… and then I promptly feel guilty and foolish and pretentious… but most of all I feel shame.
Shame. Such a typical victim feeling. Such a heavy burden to bear. Such a difficult thing to shirk… it clings like a wet blanket.
But wait… I’m going off course; I’m supposed to be talking about my lack of discipline and motivation and my frustration with myself for not being able to JUST. DO. IT!
I want to. I want to… I want to:
Black and white photography
Bead work/wire wrap
It’s amazing how many hours of Star Trek Voyager you can get through while you’re doing pet battles in World of Warcraft.
I’m sitting here, watching the cursor blink, trying not to let my self-loathing take over. I’m trying to assert the positive, loving and nurturing inner voice. It feels like trying to hold an air filled balloon under water.
I’m tired of fighting with myself. I’m tired of my self-destructive behaviors. I’m tired of obsessing about what people think of me. That last one… it’s a hard one for me. A lot of my friends don’t get why other people’s opinions are so important to me. A lot of people wonder why I put everyone else’s opinion of me above my own knowledge of myself. It’s all such a jumble in my head that I don’t know how to begin to explain it. For now, suffice it to say that other people’s opinions are super important to me and my fear of ridicule and rejection are a force to be reckoned with. And I ain’t reckoning so well…