Discipline

Know what I am really really good at? Procrastination! If there were procrastination events at the Olympics, I’d win ALL the medals! I’d just lay on the podium like a swooning cartoon character all bent backwards and looking dramatically… er… lazy.

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It’s hard not to be frustrated with myself these days. Then again, it’s hard for me not to be frustrated with myself pretty much all the time. It’s that fucking little inner voice; that critical little bitch that won’t shut up. Always there to remind me of what a giant waste of space it’s brainwashed me into believing I am. It’s the voice of my aggressors; it’s not my voice. But that voice has become integrated into my personality, it permeates my opinion of myself. It’s better than it was… and by that I mean that now instead of not being able to assert my qualities, I can say “I am a good writer!”… and then I promptly feel guilty and foolish and pretentious… but most of all I feel shame.

Shame. Such a typical victim feeling. Such a heavy burden to bear. Such a difficult thing to shirk… it clings like a wet blanket.

But wait… I’m going off course; I’m supposed to be talking about my lack of discipline and motivation and my frustration with myself for not being able to JUST. DO. IT!

I want to. I want to… I want to:
Draw/paint/collage
Black and white photography
Bead work/wire wrap
De-clutter
Cook/bake
Write/blog/journal
Walk

Nice list.

It’s amazing how many hours of Star Trek Voyager you can get through while you’re doing pet battles in World of Warcraft.

I’m sitting here, watching the cursor blink, trying not to let my self-loathing take over. I’m trying to assert the positive, loving and nurturing inner voice. It feels like trying to hold an air filled balloon under water.

I’m tired of fighting with myself. I’m tired of my self-destructive behaviors. I’m tired of obsessing about what people think of me. That last one… it’s a hard one for me. A lot of my friends don’t get why other people’s opinions are so important to me. A lot of people wonder why I put everyone else’s opinion of me above my own knowledge of myself. It’s all such a jumble in my head that I don’t know how to begin to explain it. For now, suffice it to say that other people’s opinions are super important to me and my fear of ridicule and rejection are a force to be reckoned with. And I ain’t reckoning so well…

 

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. Aunti says:

    You last paragraph really got my attention! Other people’s opinions mean very little to me most of the time, because I’m too old and tired to work up the concern or energy about it. I used to let other people’s opinions of me (real or imagined) just practically kill me. Let’s face it, none of us like rejection or abandonment feelings that some people’s crappy opinions trigger in us. Crappy opinions are icky as hell, but we continue to survive, in spite of the icky, because we deserve better. Opinions really are like assholes. Everyone has one and some of them just aren’t that rosy or sweet… biologically necessary maybe, and most certainly annoying, but a fact of life. Hope you will be able to find some healthy ways to detach and rise above the opinions of others! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. weirdagain says:

    I’m a pretty good procrastinator myself. If they did hold an Olympics for procrastinating, I’d win because I won’t show up. They will me calling me and I’ll be like “Eh, I’ll do it tomorrow…” 😜
    And I feel you on the opinion thing. For the most part, I have little concern for the majority of the population’s opinion of me. But, those I love and respect, their opinions mean quite a bit. If I even imagine that one of my friends are upset at me, I will literally make myself I’ll with worry until I work up the guts to ask (because you never want those fears confirmed), or enough time passes and everything is cool so I figure I read too much into it and freaked myself out over nothing. And you don’t want to tell anyone because you know it’s ridiculous but that doesn’t keep you from obsessing over every word you said or wrote and how it could have been taken and I’m starting to get a little anxious just writing this….

    Being a person is hard.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ziriss says:

      Sometimes I think you and I were separated at birth! I too make myself sick, worrying that I have pissed someone off until I either break down and ask or that the person is nice to me and I figure I imagined everything!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. haengjin says:

    I love your writing and if there ever is a procrastinating Olympic team, I will surely join you on that podium.

    Liked by 1 person

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