So many emotions. Anger, rage, sadness, confusion, self-loathing, self-pity, heartbreak, fear of abandonment, sens of having been abandoned, hopelessness, discouragement, pain, frustration…
But my fear of abandonment… that’s the big one. That’s the one with all the teeth and all the fangs planted in all the weakest spots, the tenderest spots… I’m so afraid of being abandoned; hell I’m even afraid of salespeople abandoning me in stores. It’s very hard for me to approach people and I hope so hard that they will like me and when they seem to do… I just… *sigh* just picture a Jack Russell Terrier bouncing off the fucking walls and furniture and you have me.
How do I keep continually sabotaging myself? How can I keep repeating the same mistake over and over and not learn from it?
Oh… yeah… OCD…
I wish I could draw cartoons because then I could show you the little scenarios that play out in my head… little metaphors for what is happening in my life. Like now… Picture this: Little child sees deer in yard, gets excited, deer comes close to door, child runs out and pets the deer and then hugs the deer so tight that it runs away and the child is left crying, heartbroken and confused, fade to black.
I am the child. A new online friend is the deer. And I am left heartbroken and confused but no tears. I don’t cry.
But I did it… I got all excited about the new friend and I acted like an overexcited child and probably liked too many posts, left too many comments, sent too many messages… Who knows… I thought I was trying to be cool this time around. This isn’t my first deer rodeo, you know; the woods are filled with deer I hugged too tight. But apparently I just did what I always do. Not everyone is happy to have a hyper blue haired goofball bouncing excitedly around them.
I’ve skidded off the road, rolling in the ditch and down the rabbit hole, I am spiraling and spiraling down and down and I can’t grab anything to stop the fall or even just slow it down… and there is no hope of climbing back up. This only ends one way: I hit the bottom. I’m telling myself I annoyed the fuck out of this person and they’ll never speak to me again. For all I know he’s just flippin busy or he’s not in the mood to talk to virtual strangers or a million other reasons. But once I “decide” the person hates me, I just spiral down.
This blog entry has been sitting there for two days as I agonize over whether or not I will post it. I am terrified that if I post it, people will think I am ridiculous. I am afraid they will tell me to just shrug it off because it’s “just the internet”. That will make me feel stupid and ashamed. And then surely I will die of embarrassment. Worse yet… what if HE reads the blog post and that becomes the straw that breaks the camel’s back and he banishes me to the far reaches of Forgetti Land. (A nod to my “eat the spaghetti to forgetti your regretti.)
ok… you know what? fuck it. I’m posting it and let the chips fall where they may!